Jenson was born and right after we tried to start nursing. At first he did AWESOME! Latched right on. For about 2 minutes. I was feeling proud. "See this is easy!" I told myself. Then he seemed to start struggling. Just when he started getting the hang of it, it was like he would give up and start getting fussy. Plus... no one told me just how bad it hurt! ugh!!! I would sit there and curl my toes and squeeze Al's hand. The nurses kept telling me it was just because my milk hadn't come in yet. They also promised to send a lactation lady in to help me. But, she left early that day and never showed up. Plus Al was ready to leave the hospital as soon as they gave us the "okay." So, I never saw the lactation specialist.
My original plan was to nurse and pump and get Jenson used to breast and bottle. It worked for the first... oh I dunno... MAYBE two months. We still never got the hang of nursing. It seemed like way too much work! So, I always resorted back to just pumping. After he was two months old, I was just exclusively pumping and feeding him breast milk out of a bottle.
In my eyes it was WAY easier, and faster. I didn't have to worry about flipping my boob out it public. Kudos to every other women out there who can handle it. It was just too awkward for me. Also, I could freeze the extra milk and save it for later. Plus, other people got a chance go feed Jenson. :)
The hard thing was that I never really felt support. Al had my back 100% which was super nice. But, I swear everyone else thought I was a total lunatic. I got questions like.... Do you ever nurse him? Does nursing in public scare you? Aren't you worried Jenson will miss out on the connection all the other babies get when they nurse? You know, it's twice as much work to pump and then feed, why not just nurse and skip a step?
Seriously, I've heard it all. It still makes me feel like a failure as a mother. I wish nursing came natural to me. HONEST!
Well 6 months down the road and I'm still keep on keepin' on.... Pumping pumping pumping. I feel like we have a good routine down. Jenson eats and eats. I know exactly how much he is eating. I can plan for babysitters when I'm going to be gone. Seriously we have worked out a good system.
Here comes the hard part of this post.... every once in awhile the past 6 months that dirty "F" word would come into my head. Yes, that's right. FORMULA. Dun, dun, dun..... At first it was thoughts like, "Oh I could NEVER give Jenson formula, I would be such a bad mom." But, then slowly started shifting to things like, "What's so bad about formula?" Days when I would sit in the bathroom at the dance studio, pumping because practice had been way too long. Or all those long car rides when I would have to pump because I had already gone way to long and my boobs were throbbing. Those are the days when my mind would slowly start to think about formula. "Dang! Jenson is sleeping through the night but I still have to set an alarm at 3am and pump every single night! I wouldn't have to worry about it if he was eating formula."
Yes, I'm human and I worry too much about what other people think about me. It makes it even worse when it's people that are SUPER close to me. When I hear comments like "look how tiny that baby is, oh it's probably because that mom is feeding him formula." or "People who feed their baby formula are so selfish." Every time I would hear one of those comments I would cringe and hate myself for even considering giving Jenson the "F" word.
Then I found this on pinterest...
I started doing research and found testimonials and blog posts of other moms that felt the same way I did.
I finally talked to my mom and told her I was considering weening Jenson and giving him formula. Guess what? Turns out I was fed formula! HA! I survived and am healthy..... must not be too harmful.
I finally made up my mind. I was going to ween my sweet little Jenson. How selfish huh?
At his 6 month app. I told his pediatrician how I planned on starting him on formula. I was expecting him to lecture me about why that is not a good idea and how bad formula is just like EVERY ONE else. But, he didn't! He said, "Great! Good job for making it as long as you did!" Then I realized, you're right! I am pretty awesome for making it 6 months exclusively pumping! :)
That night I gave Jenson his first bottle of formula. I might have shed a tear or two. But, it also was like a big weight being lifted off my chest. Whew.... And Jenson chugged that Formula down like it didn't phase him at all.
The sad thing is... There are still judgmental people out there that I'm having a hard time telling. I wish I didn't have to worry... I wish I didn't have to feel guilty about packing my container of formula in my diaper bag....but like I said, I'm human. I want people to think good things about me.
But... Here I go. I'm am now opening up to the world and letting everyone know. My sweet baby boy is 6 months old and I am started to ween him and have started feeding him the big nasty "F" word.
Last but not least, all those mom's out there who make it the full year breastfeeding, HATS OFF TO YOU! You are amazing.
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